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Thread: Jesus the Vampire Hunter

  1. #1
    For eons have I lived... Stick's Avatar
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    Default Jesus the Vampire Hunter

    I blame all Canadians for this film.

    Friend and I saw it on the cheap racks at the local video store and were overwhelmed by the tagline "The power of Christ impales you!" On the ack it babbled something about winning awards at various film festivals... the names were written rather small, so what at first glance appeared to be "Sundance" turned out to be "slamdance" upon closer inspection, damnit.

    This little bit of celluloid came out in 2002... judging by the horrible sound quality and the way it appears that the voices were dubbed over, I'm inclined to believe this film was shot in French. Aside from the horrific audio the video quality and camerawork reminds me of that found in a 60's era porno.

    Woohoo

    Jesus gets a haircut and some piercings early on the film. He fights lesbian vampires that can come out during the daylight and at one point battles an army of athiests comming out of a single jeep as though it were a clown-car of the unbelievers. He then gets help from his side-kick Mary Magnum- who BTW looks quite hot in her little cat suit- and later help from Santos, the Saint of the Ring....... at least that's what the voice of God through the ice-cream bowl at hooters tells Jesus. There's a musical number too, and it makes about as much sense as the rst of this movie.

    The fights are just sad. There are some funny bits, but mostly I just couldn't help but laugh at the sheer incompetance of the sunts and choreography. Though it was awesome to see a bald headed, kung-fu suit wearing, staff wielding athiest launch into a lame ass kung-fu form, complete with that stupid kneeling position (you all know it, that crazy one where the legs are crossed and the body is turned), only to have Jesus kick him in the face when KF-athiest dropped into that idiotic stance.

    I did love that basically everything wooden was stabbed into the hearts of these vampires regardless of the bluntness or failty of the weapon..... also that more than half of the stakes seemed to be impaling the wrong side of the chest: ridiculous.

    My head hurts from all the stupidity.... ugh.

  2. #2
    DJeter1234
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    you forgot to mention the punk priest and that ALL les lesbians cept Mary were incredibly ugly. And the film festival was in Santa Cruz, you can see how that movie woudl apeal to stoners.

    In conclusion "In the new melenium, vampires no longer fear the sun. BUt now they will learn to fear the son .... OF G-D"

  3. #3
    ICY's Avatar
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    lol...that's awesome.
    DRUGS ARE FOR LOSERS

  4. #4
    DJeter1234
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    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311361/, if anyone wants to know more.

  5. #5
    Registered User Boyd's Avatar
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    The one thing I could never stomach about Santa Cruz....was all the damn vampires.

  6. #6
    DJeter1234
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    odd you should say that...

    http://www.metroactive.com/papers/cr...ires-9641.html

    AND http://www.santacruzvampires.com/events/
    moto:"Not all people who ask about our club are deranged teens and pre-teens who hate their lives and want to become undead"

  7. #7
    Matsufubu
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    BESS'D FYLME EVOR!

    Speaking of unbelievably bad films, has anybody seen the Filipino film 'The Killing of Satan'?

  8. #8
    stoogejitsu
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    yeah I posted a clip from this movie before, but here it is again in all its heavenly glory: http://www.badmovies.org/multimedia/...jesusvamp1.mpg

  9. #9
    Matsufubu
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    Ha ha! I like the kid that gets out of the back of the car in the second wave with the big afro wig!

    Why doesn't Jesus just call down his legions of angels if he wants to kick ass?

  10. #10
    Raven
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    Two words: Bubba Hotep

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