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View Full Version : Ode to Jeremy Clarkson



Dr. Socially Liberal Fiscally Conservative Vermin
16th March 15, 03:37 PM
I see you, Jeremy Clarkson.

I see your gnarled head and your grumpy face, like an elephant's scrotum stretched across the trunk of a haunted tree. I see your thinning perm, like an irradiated Labradoodle fighting to hold on to your face. I see your enormous torso and wide shoulders. I smell the petrol and I hear the engines, Jeremy Clarkson, and I see you clunking around the Top Gear studio like a massive menopausal gibbon. I hear you weirdly emphasising and pausing after every other word, Jeremy Clarkson. The new Lamborghini has a gearbox... like a spaniard... full of hammers, does it, Jeremy Clarkson? I can see why you're so indispensable.

I hear you being a Lad, Jeremy Clarkson, as you banter with your friends by putting them all down. I see you chain smoking and gulping down steaks. I hear you laughing, a great jolly rumble, like a rhino farting across the face of the establishment. You're a maverick, aren't you, Jeremy Clarkson? You're a maverick, and it's fine, because it should be alright to offend people. Everyone's too bloody PC, aren't they, Jeremy Clarkson? All the lesbians and the ethnics and the disableds. God, and the disabled ethnic lesbians. They're just the bloody worst, aren't they, Jeremy Clarkson? They're all too bloody PC, and it's your duty as a phenomenally rich white man who's never experienced real prejudice to take a stand against it.

I see your every controversy, Jeremy Clarkson. I see you and Richard Hammond and James May tearing around the globe, while May shakes his sad hairy head and Hammond hangs on your every word like a shiny-toothed tagnut in the bum-beard of your ego. I see the long day's filming, Jeremy Clarkson, and I see that you're exhausted. I see that you're grumpy and fed up. After all, you drove a Ferrari for three hours today and they only paid you fifty thousand pounds. It's a fucking indignity, isn't it, Jeremy Clarkson? They better have cooked you a hot meal after all that gruelling work. It's just ungrateful otherwise, isn't it?

I see the assistant producer gesture to the catering tables, Jeremy Clarkson. I see the cold ham. I see the cold bastard ham, Jeremy Clarkson. I see the corner of your eye twitch, your rage building. What the hell is this? You drove a Ferrari for three hours today, and they only paid you fifty thousand pounds, and now they have the fucking nerve to serve you cold ham? Disgusting, perfectly fucking edible cold ham? Fucking hell, Jeremy Clarkson. I see that you are angry. And they're not going to like you when you're angry, are they, Jeremy Clarkson?

I see your hands balled into fists, Jeremy Clarkson. I see the veins bulging in your neck. I see Richard Hammond whimpering, bounding away on all fours to hide behind a bin. I see James May roll his eyes and pour himself another glass of red wine.

I hear your clothes stretching and popping at the seams as you roar, Jeremy Clarkson, your frame distorting and growing. I see your flesh turning blue, your eyes turning into shiny brass buttons. I see the stonewashed stitching of your new skin. I see you, Jeremy Clarkson, now twenty feet tall and bundled muscle, a murderous goliath of rage and denim. You are nothing but jeans and fury, Jeremy Clarkson, and that ham-serving prick is doomed. I bet he reads the fucking Guardian.

I see the producer scream, Jeremy Clarkson. I see his knees knocking together as he pisses all down his own legs. I see you towering above him, howling your hot wine-and-fag breath into his terrified face. I see your great blue hands pounding him into the ground. I see his bones shatter and I hear his screams cut short. I see him reduced into nothing but pulp and gristle, Jeremy Clarkson, a soggy puddle of crimson and organs that soaks into the fabric of your trembling Levi fists. I see you flinging his remains into the air, Jeremy Clarkson. I see half a mandible splash into James May's wine glass, spattering him with Cabernet Sauvignon. I see him tut, and carry on drinking anyway.

I see you pounding your chest, Jeremy Clarkson, and I see you crashing around the studio, toppling lights and flipping cars. I see the production team scattering to get out of your way. I see The Stig picking an intestine off his shoulder, his helmeted head shaking in annoyance. I hear Richard Hammond whining behind his bin.

I see you ripping the roof off a Porsche, Jeremy Clarkson, the jagged metal tearing the thick denim of your hands. I hear you howling with sheer, unadulterated rage. You're offended, aren't you, Jeremy Clarkson? And you can't offend a Lad without getting pulped into mush. That's just not how offence works.

Oh well, Jeremy Clarkson. You may have reduced a grown man you've worked with for fifteen years into a bloody puddle just because he didn't sort you out a steak, but I'm sure you'll have your job back next week, once you've calmed down and turned back into a human. After all, what's one murder at the BBC? It's only a fracas. A silly little fracas.

I'm appalled, Jeremy Clarkson, but then I remember that you also punched Piers Morgan once. And even I have to admit that you may have had a point there.

I see you, Jeremy Clarkson. I fucking see you.




Anon.

Dr. Socially Liberal Fiscally Conservative Vermin
16th March 15, 04:14 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11061942_646763975427679_3613734174193869165_n.jpg ?oh=f9058900e8f9cda7efc3fff9d9f8f9d0&oe=557760B6&__gda__=1433675626_508c57b031816e503785d1fea9bc470 1

Cullion
16th March 15, 04:19 PM
it's beautiful

Adouglasmhor
17th March 15, 01:20 AM
I liked the piece, but I think we need more "Jeremy Clarksons" in the world, not less.

I think he started to believe his own on screen persona. I think we need a lot less people with low emotional intelligence and lack of self control, his undeniable ability as both a journalist/columnist and presenter aside.

Plus the guy had half his reach, that makes him a bullying thug, no sympathy. Oisin is wearing the tan parka.
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/2707100/thumbs/o-CLARKSO-570.jpg?1

Üser Friendly
17th March 15, 02:43 AM
Jeremy should take his medicine like a good boy

Adouglasmhor
17th March 15, 12:35 PM
The tan parka guy looks like a smug git.

I want to punch him myself.

Anyone under 50 that wears tan unless they are playing big boys games in the sandbox deserves a dig, but not in the face.

http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Egg_NoB/CameraZOOM-20131216072442768_zpse61da6e9.jpg

Dr. Socially Liberal Fiscally Conservative Vermin
17th March 15, 02:14 PM
Petition - Hire Alan Partridge for Top Gear (https://www.change.org/p/bbc-hire-alan-partridge-for-top-gear)

Dr. Socially Liberal Fiscally Conservative Vermin
17th March 15, 02:51 PM
Think you're already there...

Feryk
17th March 15, 04:05 PM
Well, it WOULD get rid of all the tacky unicorn tats, but you'd end up with a TON of mice.

Other than that, it'd be a pretty stupid world in which to live.

Feryk
17th March 15, 04:07 PM
I think he started to believe his own on screen persona. I think we need a lot less people with low emotional intelligence and lack of self control, his undeniable ability as both a journalist/columnist and presenter aside.

Plus the guy had half his reach, that makes him a bullying thug, no sympathy. Oisin is wearing the tan parka.
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/2707100/thumbs/o-CLARKSO-570.jpg?1

Guy looks 25 years younger than Clarkson, and in reasonable shape comparatively.

Cullion
18th March 15, 03:17 AM
He would've probably been trying to placate the guy and taken by surprise at him initiating violence. The young guy was a relatively junior member of staff trying to cope with a child-like celebrity ego tantrum. He would've been worried about getting fired or something, not thinking about how he could take him down.

Spade: The Real Snake
18th March 15, 08:01 AM
Let me get this straight:
so some young little guy took caught a beating from some old pensioner and we're bagging on the coffin-dodger?

In NoB's way of thinking, this is all about sex and not power.

Dr. Socially Liberal Fiscally Conservative Vermin
18th March 15, 09:17 AM
NoB would sooOOOOooo like to be bummed by Jeremy

Feryk
18th March 15, 10:33 AM
He would've probably been trying to placate the guy and taken by surprise at him initiating violence. The young guy was a relatively junior member of staff trying to cope with a child-like celebrity ego tantrum. He would've been worried about getting fired or something, not thinking about how he could take him down.

Simple solution is to give the young guy a free shot. We'll see how often Jeremy pulls this shit after that.

Feryk
18th March 15, 10:57 AM
A Nascar free one.

Spade: The Real Snake
18th March 15, 11:25 AM
Simple solution is to give the young guy a free shot. We'll see how often Jeremy pulls this shit after that.
He's a real old looking 55 yr. old. Any young gun that fears that "old man strength" is gonna get thinned from the herd anyway, sooner better than later.

Spade: The Real Snake
18th March 15, 12:57 PM
What would it be like to live in this world?
It sounds like an normal episode of "OZ"

Feryk
18th March 15, 04:37 PM
He's a real old looking 55 yr. old. Any young gun that fears that "old man strength" is gonna get thinned from the herd anyway, sooner better than later.

The young guy doesn't look like much, but the point was to correct an old arrogant fuck and make sure he learns some respect.

Spade: The Real Snake
18th March 15, 06:52 PM
The young guy doesn't look like much, but the point was to correct an old arrogant fuck and make sure he learns some respect.
So, in other words, Bullshido.

Üser Friendly
19th March 15, 01:41 AM
The young guy doesn't look like much, but the point was to call each other names, make grandiose macho claims, critisize spelling and grammer then post a LOL cat meme


So, in other words, Bullshido.

FTFY

Feryk
19th March 15, 10:31 AM
What Bullshido is supposed to be, yes.

Spade: The Real Snake
19th March 15, 10:53 AM
somethingsomethingsomething Chinese Masonic Lodge Parking Lot.

Adouglasmhor
19th March 15, 11:52 AM
somethingsomethingsomething Chinese Masonic Lodge Parking Lot.

McSweeney. (Very old-established family.)

Üser Friendly
20th March 15, 01:14 AM
I'm not suprised

They are both pretty bland

Without Clarkson the show hasn't got much going for it

Feryk
20th March 15, 02:48 PM
Be honest. You are The Stig aren't you?

NoB would be soooo jealous.

Üser Friendly
20th March 15, 03:27 PM
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/5193EnWkk7L._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

Robot Jesus
21st March 15, 01:06 AM
That show had such a great dynamic, but I never liked how absurd Clarkson was sometimes.


Although props for being spry enough to commit one of the most physically taxing felonies at his age. I suspect there is more to the story, but not enough to redeem him. To be honest I haven't been paying attention.

Adouglasmhor
21st March 15, 01:51 AM
I think the Beeb should start filming with Idris Elba, Chris Evans and Brian Jonson and fuck the 3 of them off. Problem solved.

Üser Friendly
21st March 15, 02:26 AM
I think the three should be forced to fight each other to the death in a pit

Let the victor compare the program

Adouglasmhor
22nd March 15, 02:24 AM
The year is 2023. The type of weights you are allowed to lift is limited by what you can fit in your ass.

If the dumbell / barbell / kettleball, etc. doesn't fit in your ass, you can't lift that weight. If you are confident you can, you can take a test at the Weightlifting License Authority (WLA).

If you are caught lifting a weight you are not licensed for you get five years in prison.

People unwilling or unable to stretch their asses are unable to venture very far away from body weight exercises.

Bodybuilders, etc. must be anal acrobats in order lift the weights they want.

This creates an interesting social dynamic, by looking at what someone lifts, you know how far they can stretch their ass.

What would it be like to live in this world?

The year is 2023 in an effort to stem the tide of obesity and diabetes the size of engine you are allowed in your vehicles is restricted by what number you can bench in KG in one minutes worth of reps is the number of CCs in engine size. Which moped do you buy NoB?

Spade: The Real Snake
22nd March 15, 10:19 AM
Dougie crushed it.

Adouglasmhor
23rd March 15, 01:44 AM
You know it wasn't meant to be taken any more seriously than your kiestering posts?

Feryk
23rd March 15, 11:42 AM
NoB takes his kiestering posts VERY seriously.

Adouglasmhor
26th March 15, 10:22 AM
THE BBC has confirmed that Top Gear will continue without Jeremy Clarkson as Britain is awash with boorish oafs.

Director general Tony Hall said the show’s format was guaranteed as he could just walk into a sports bar and ask if anyone wanted to be on television.

Hall added: “There was nothing miraculous about Top Gear’s success. Clarkson and the audience are entirely interchangeable.

“Indeed, I would like to thank Jeremy for helping a generation of pricks refine and perfect their utter dickishness.”

Sports bar regular Martin Bishop said: “My tastes are exactly as you would expect. And, for the avoidance of doubt, I refer to things I dislike as ‘gay’.

“I sometimes use racist words, but certainly don’t see myself as racist, though some people may disagree. Gay people.”

Bishop added: “And I’m guessing Clarkson just wandered through his house making a list of things he could compare cars to.

“Yes, I can do this.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/bbc-confident-it-can-find-a-new-prick-2015032696705

Üser Friendly
26th March 15, 10:43 AM
Jeremy should get done for assault, but just get a suspended sentance

he's a bully

Feryk
26th March 15, 02:49 PM
Has Clarkson said anything since being let go?