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Sun Wukong
9th December 08, 04:53 AM
About 10 minutes ago, my wife asked me to make some tea for her. She's Chinese, so she likes her tea.

I go into the cabinet to get the good tea we keep hidden away.... and it's NOT FUCKING THERE.

This tea was a gift, like the fucking rolex I never fucking wear was a gift from some of my wife's affluent family members. It costs about 1,000 bucks a god damn pound in China. in the US, if you can find it, I'm sure it costs way, way more.

What happened to it?

A very shitty house guest, whom I'm entirely fucking glad to be rid of, used it ALL, TO BREW A SINGLE FUCKING POT OF TEA.

Not only was that enough tea to make like 40 pots of fucking tea, but he put into a fucking coffee filter and used it all in one fucking go and threw the grounds out.

How do i know this? Because I caught them brewing tea, and I asked them directly, "WHOA, that's not the tea in the little red bags is it? That's stuff is ridiculously expensive." They said NO, it was the fucking cheap ass lipton tea that I keep in the cupboard.

I should have been more suspicous when they mentioned they'd like to try some of my wife's green tea... because it's good for you.

But instead of asking, instead of owning up to it, instead of even bothering to pay for it, they fucking wasted it... and then FUCKING LIED TO ME ABOUT IT.

BTW, shitty lipton tea, not even opened.

I feel doubly pissed because I let them crash here way, way after they'd worn out their fucking welcome. They used every fucking excuse in the book and I just sighed and waited for them to grow a spine for themself and stop pretending I'm their fucking parents.

I want to buy them a christmas gift that adequately displays the way I feel about this, because I the only words that come out of my mouth are incoherent and filled with anger. I just don't know what to get: any suggestions?

EuropIan
9th December 08, 04:55 AM
A heart shaped box with a nice turd inside.

Neildo
9th December 08, 05:10 AM
Pirated designer handbag with a poisonous snake inside.

EuropIan
9th December 08, 05:13 AM
Tell them the turd is a very rare chinese root you brew tea from.

Sun Wukong
9th December 08, 05:20 AM
Naturally, out of all the other green tea in the cabinet, they had to go for the one that was the most expensive, and hardest to come by.

Sun Wukong
9th December 08, 05:20 AM
oh, the snake in the counterfeit handbag is a good idea, but i don't want to go to prison. ...HOWEVER, the turd-tea is extremely promising.

EuropIan
9th December 08, 05:25 AM
you will get see their shit-eating grins for realz. I mostly thought of this because most people will at least try something if they are told it is good for their health.

SFGOON will be along shortly to tell you how you can easily, and legally, murder one of them and feed him to the other.

Neildo
9th December 08, 05:27 AM
i actually almost suggested that initially, except instead of the significant other i had thought to use their dog if they had one.

i think the 'city tea' prank will fail once the hot water hits the tea. some chinese cuisine can smell kind of weird, but there's somethin unmistakable about warm human feces.

EuropIan
9th December 08, 05:33 AM
i think the 'city tea' prank will fail once the hot water hits the tea. some chinese cuisine can smell kind of weird, but there's somethin unmistakable about warm human feces.
Oh I agree about the jig being up once it hits the water. But the moment of realization could perhaps be slightly delayed?

Neildo
9th December 08, 05:37 AM
I'm still thinking about making them dinner. "Hey, you like those short ribs? Guess where i got em?"

Steve
9th December 08, 05:43 AM
Buy them a case of Lipton tea, cause they liked it so much.

Robot Jesus
9th December 08, 06:06 AM
add fragrant spices to mask the smell, then tell her its traditional to drink it in one gulp.

Sun Wukong
9th December 08, 06:17 AM
I've calmed down quite a bit and realized that I'm just pissed they lied to me and that they were a shitty house guest. The tea is kind of a crazy thing to get all pissed about on its own. It was a fucking waste, like bathing your cat in a bucket of caviar, but not the worst thing to happen all week.

I'll be damned, worst death trap ever.

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa83/Cagedrei/caviar1.jpg

jubei33
9th December 08, 06:35 AM
1. a music box that contains mass quantities of black fly sex attractant delivered on light paraffin wax.

2. deer musk in car radiator...in summer

3. a nice potted plant with earwig larvae nesting inside.

4. the best seat in the house contaminated with poison oak oil

mrblackmagic
9th December 08, 10:16 AM
Easy, buy oh what is the brand darjeeling laxative tea. It's actually quite tasty, but you'll paint the toilet with two coats. That is if don't mind sacrificing your bathroom, but there is no price too great for vengeance.

Aphid Jones
9th December 08, 10:27 AM
A very shitty house guest, whom I'm entirely fucking glad to be rid of, used it ALL, TO BREW A SINGLE FUCKING POT OF TEA.

Not only was that enough tea to make like 40 pots of fucking tea, but he put into a fucking coffee filter and used it all in one fucking go and threw the grounds out.


I would probably go apeshit if someone did that to my most expensive tea. But it's probably not even close to whatever quality you're talking about.

So you're telling me this guy made it like coffee?

Holy fuck man had he never had green tea before?

Shawarma
9th December 08, 12:18 PM
So, how DOES tea worth more than cocaine taste anyway?

fes_fsa
9th December 08, 12:31 PM
if it's a man and a woman...

fertility drugs in anything edible.

bombard them with kids and abortions.

Shawarma
9th December 08, 12:38 PM
How about just bombarding them with kids? From a catapult. I'd personally find that even less pleasant.

fes_fsa
9th December 08, 12:38 PM
he wants to do it legally.

Shawarma
9th December 08, 12:40 PM
Get a catapult license.

Kiko
9th December 08, 01:00 PM
Wrap up a damp used teabag as a gift in a box, with pretty paper and include a card saying you've tea-bagged them in return for their consideration.

elipson
9th December 08, 01:09 PM
So far I like the laxative tea bag.

also the snake idea....

MEGA JESUS-SAMA
9th December 08, 01:45 PM
hide an 8ball in their trunk
call a tip line

CoffeeFan
9th December 08, 02:11 PM
Sucks about your tea. It would be one thing if they didn't realize it was the good shit but the fact that they didn't man up requires revenge!

Laxative tea is a good idea. I suggest you get some nice box to put the tea bags in, make it look like it's the real good for you healthy tea.

MEGA JESUS-SAMA
9th December 08, 02:13 PM
hide an 8ball in their trunk
call a tip line

fuck that shit, actually. get a half oz of blow and a scale in there, THAT will get them fucked.

tharuz
9th December 08, 02:21 PM
Get a catapult license.

hehehehehehehheh

Im suprised no one has come up with a plan to teabag them.

something about swingers, I got nothing.

Cullion
9th December 08, 02:38 PM
$1000? send the cunt an invoice.

KO'd N DOA
9th December 08, 02:46 PM
Go to the slaughterhouse and get some nuts. Cook them in tomato sauce. Have them for dinner, letting them know it is very expensive and rare meat they will not find anywhere, but it will cure them of all sickness and give them good luck for the new year.

Pictures for facebook, bonus for keeping your laugh hid.

Quikfeet509
9th December 08, 06:01 PM
Here you go (not to be used by patients that are pregnant, on blood thinners, or have clotting disorders):

Wu Ling Zhi


Channels:LIV, SP
Properties:Bitter, Sweet, Warm
Latin:Feces Trogopterori Seu Pteromi (read: flying squirrel poop)
Chinese:五灵脂
Tone Marks:wŭ líng zhī
Translation:Fat of the Five Spirits
Actions

Invigorates the Blood, Relieves Pain
For amenorrhea, menses pain, postpartum abdominal pain, epigastric pain, chest pain
Dispels Blood Stasis, Stops Bleeding
For dark purple uterine bleeding with clots, retained lochia due to stasis
Treats childhood nutritional impairment, Eliminates Toxins
For a variety of insect and snake bites, topically and internally
Contraindications and Cautions

Do not use during pregnancy
Possibly antagonizes Ren Shen (Chen)
Do not use on Blood deficient patients or those without Blood Stasis
Herb-Drug Interactions

This section is being researched, and is not completed.
Toxicity and Overdose

None Noted
Dosage

3-9 grams in decoction (Bensky)
3-10 grams in decoction (Chen), wrap it in cheesecloth
This Herb Appears in the Following Formulas:

Shi Xiao San (Sudden Smile Powder)
Formulas that Invigorate the Blood and Dispel Blood Stasis

This herb antagonizes or is antagonized by:
Ren Shen (Radix Ginseng)


http://www.sacredlotus.com/herbs/get.cfm/chinese_herb/wu_ling_zhi_flying_squirrel_feces

WarPhalange
9th December 08, 06:07 PM
A heart shaped box with a nice turd inside.

God dammit, that was going to be my suggestion. :(

Kiko
9th December 08, 06:17 PM
Or a turd-shaped box with a heart inside it.

Or a VERY large box with this thing inside..
http://www.sciam.com/media/inline/worlds-biggest-potato_1.jpg

stovak
9th December 08, 06:25 PM
Box up some ordinary cat shit. Tell them it's $500 worth of Kopi Luwak, and you'll be grossly offended if they don't try it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak

jvjim
9th December 08, 08:16 PM
Give them service of process, that shit's conversion.

nihilist
10th December 08, 01:55 AM
Hire a herpes-ridden kissing bandit.

Steve
10th December 08, 02:40 PM
Screw all this: Bazooka to the nose.

There's not enough bazooka themed revenge stories nowadays...

Phrost
10th December 08, 03:30 PM
I understand exclusivity, rarity, and all such things that connoisseurs and those with an abundantly disposable income decide make some fucking leaves worth $1000. But unless the shit gives you magic powers or takes 5 years off your life, the idea of anyone paying that much for it still eludes me.

Maybe we should all get together and buy up some trivial commodity and then start a campaign to make it valued by the wealthy.

Like pecans, or something.

Aaranar
10th December 08, 03:43 PM
Buy a batch of loose tea. Grind up desired amount of pubic/ass hair and mix into loose tea. Wrap and send as gift to tea drinking liar.

Randomly slip him viagra.

Put vapo rub in his jar of vasoline.

Squeeze superglue into the locks on his doors. Car, house, doesn't matter.

WarPhalange
10th December 08, 03:44 PM
I understand exclusivity, rarity, and all such things that connoisseurs and those with an abundantly disposable income decide make some fucking leaves worth $1000. But unless the shit gives you magic powers or takes 5 years off your life, the idea of anyone paying that much for it still eludes me.

But Phrost! It tastes really really good!

Tom Kagan
10th December 08, 08:44 PM
I want to buy them a christmas gift that adequately displays the way I feel about this, because I the only words that come out of my mouth are incoherent and filled with anger. I just don't know what to get: any suggestions?


Coal.

Duh!

f4n4n
10th December 08, 09:33 PM
Screw all this: Bazooka to the nose.

There's not enough bazooka themed revenge stories nowadays...
Push ups are due.

MEGA JESUS-SAMA
11th December 08, 12:53 AM
I understand exclusivity, rarity, and all such things that connoisseurs and those with an abundantly disposable income decide make some fucking leaves worth $1000. But unless the shit gives you magic powers or takes 5 years off your life, the idea of anyone paying that much for it still eludes me.

Maybe we should all get together and buy up some trivial commodity and then start a campaign to make it valued by the wealthy.

Like pecans, or something.

fuck your peasant food

Sun Wukong
11th December 08, 05:46 AM
Holy fuck man had he never had green tea before?

Yep. Not only did he make it like coffee, but he apparently thought our iron buddha tea set looked too complicated.

... Poor in hot water... MANUALLY???? OMG That's CRAZY TALK!!!!!

You know how much tea a single spoonful of tea leaves makes right? A HUGE AMOUNT of tea.

INSTEAD, he took a HUGE amount of tea and used a fucking MR. COFFEE on it.....


on. tea. leaves.


All because his stupid ass ran out of coffee and he was too fucking lazy to drive .5 miles to a convenience store to buy his own fucking coffee.

There's a lot about this incident that majorly pisses me off.

jubei33
11th December 08, 06:29 AM
why don't you settle it with fists?

old hobos used to fight on moving trains. This usually ended poorly with one or both under the wheels or eating gravel sandwiches. We used to call it the Hobosseum.