View Full Version : Fantastic Four the Complete Movie..... made in 1994

26th December 06, 10:06 PM
Seriously, if any angry copyright holder comes after us for this, I'll be astounded. Frankly, they should feel blessed and fucking thankful that I took time out of m life to watch the travesty they are responsible for.

This pile of shit on celluloid is one of many reasons that it took so long for movie adaptations of comic books to get some respect and serious budgets/talent.

9 parts & a bonus short film at the bottom.

Part 1: Wherein Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom fuck up their college experiment following one of the worst opening credit sequences in history. In these first few moments we learn that not only is Reed Richards robbing the cradle in gett'n him some Sue Storm, he fucking car jacked the cradle and dragged the driver's face on the pavement for several miles before driving off


Part 2: Wherein Victor Von Doom is dead, or is he? Ten years pass, and Ben Grim engages in some of the worst dialogue and character interaction in film history; "Hi Mrs. Storm, can Johnny and Sue go to outer-space with us?" "ah hahaha" "Hahaha". And Sue storm grows up and has the single lamest stare down with Reed one could possibly imagine- the chemistry, it BURNS!


Part 3: Wherein our heroes' project is sabotaged by a ratty little man who reminds me too much of the Penguin. It seems Doom is not dead, not dead and now adorned in truly stunning*COUGH*ly-horrid*GASP* armor. Oh, and Johnny Storm is fucking annoying.


Part 4: Wherein our heroes discover their heroic powers in some of the worst special effects sequences known to man- but never you fear, the worst is yet to come. Ben Grimm's blind love interest is heart-breakingly kidnapped by the fiendish Pengui- er, Jewler and his henchmen. Doom continues to wear his bad-ass armor.


Part 5: Wherein the Thing is revealed in all his rubber-suited glory. Seriously, some people complained about Ben Grimm in the new FF movies, they should be required to see this..... this thing is fucking unexcusable. Furthermore, our heroes further develope their fantastic powers, and Doom gets kind of gay with his charicature of a doctor. Also, Doom's henchmen are comically, tragically, inexcusably inept in their attempt to get the diamond back from the Pengui- er, the Jewler.


Part 6: Wherein the Jewler gets kind of pervy with Ben Grim's blind babe. The Fantastic Four make their daring escape from Doom's clutches, but only first after meeting their would-be jailer and his many armed stooges. The battle which ensues is amazingly bad, but only half as bad as Doom's dialogue and acting. Oh, and Ben Grim slaughter's his famous line.


Part 7: Wherein Reed figures out why they have the powers they do, Ben Grim gets all weepy, and The Thing's walk down NY streets sends hookers running in fear. Sue Storm gets all feminine and makes everyone uniforms. The Jewler and his henchmen take in Ben Grim with open arms, hoping to make him part of the gang; only then Doom shows up and fucking kills everyone.


Part 8: Wherein Doom gets the diamond, the girl, and Ben Grimm gets all unstoney when she says she loves him; seriously, a chick says she loves Ben Grim and he goes from being rock solid to soft and fleshy. And Doom let's known his sinister plan to get his hands on the Fantastic Four again, if he doesn't get what he want he'll use his laser to unleash stock footage of a nuclear weapons test on New York- er, I mean blow it up. Sue tells Reed she loves him. And the CGI gets extra crappy, nearly as crappy as Doom's acting.


Part 9: Wherein Ben Grim says "it's clobbering time, for real[s]", after Reed totally busts Doom's trap. Johnny Storm goes all flamey, and it looks fucking horrible. Reed hunts down and beats Doom witht the worst Dhalsim impression I've ever seen. Naturally, our heroes succeed, and Sue and Reed get married.... in their tights. The closing shot of Reed's arm waving all bendy from the roof of the limo is just horrid, it will go down in the history of my mind as one of the single worst images in cinema history.


Special bonus feature! Silver Surfer short movie!

Also from 1994, and likely the exact same bunch of dorks.


Sun Wukong
29th December 06, 07:40 PM
Jesus, now that is the worst FF movie ever. I take back everything bad I said about the new ones. Horrible, I couldn't make it past the second reel.

29th December 06, 07:47 PM
You are aware this was never intended for release? It was a way of maintaining copyright and preventing a rival version.

29th December 06, 08:20 PM
Wait, wait, wait- nonono, you have to explain that. Explain that now!

29th December 06, 08:26 PM
In an interview with filmmaker Kevin Smith, Fantastic Four creator Stan Lee said that, unbeknown to the cast and crew, this movie was never intended to be released, and was made only because the studio who owned the rights to make a Fantastic Four movie would have lost the rights if they did not begin production by a certain date.


Wow, what the hell?

29th December 06, 08:37 PM
The company had the rights to the FF but would lose them if they didn't begin production by a certain date. If they lost the rights then rivals could make a version if they gained the rights (someone was wanting to do this). Depending on the contract (the details are unknown to me) by making this they could secure the rights for a longer period or prevent the intellectual property from going elsewhere. Certainly even if another company got the rights they could immediately release this and spoil the market.

The director confirmed that it was filmed exclusively for the purpose of holding the rights and was never intended for release. The cast and crew were not aware of this during filming.


Sun Wukong
30th December 06, 02:12 AM
Jeez, that would explain the Captain America movie that came out around the same time.

Sun Wukong
30th December 06, 02:31 AM
It actually seems like a pretty cruel joke to play on the people who took this project seriously. They must have really scraped the bottom of the bucket to produce something like this. Probably cut ever scene in one take. Completely synthesized music and crappy special effects sound boards. I wonder if any of those actors ever worked in hollywood again?

Sun Wukong
30th December 06, 02:51 AM
Just looked it up, the guy who played Ben Grimm went on to such memorable roles as Skinhead in Jail cell, Neighbor #2, and who could forget everybody's favorite Police Officer #1.

The guy that played Reed Richards went back to acting in Days of Our Lives, until it was cancelled in 1998 and then he got stuck with doing one shot parts in bad Sci-Fi TV shows.

The girl who played Susan Storm went back to acting in her Soap opera spin off of general hospital until it too was cancelled and she went back to doing one shot episodes as various TV show love interests on sit-coms.

The guy that played Dr Doom went on to make such memorably bad films as "Assault on Dome 4" and "Cyxork 7"...

The guy that played the Jeweler and Alicia Masters literally never acted professionally again on screen. Just fucking terrible.

Robot Jesus
30th December 06, 02:52 AM
no, nothing can explane that

30th December 06, 10:24 AM
whats wrong with you fucks? first you get upset about the turkish star wars then youse dont dig this? youre crazy. this rules and no lame cgi either.

30th December 06, 10:34 AM
whats wrong with you fucks? first you get upset about the turkish star wars then youse dont dig this? youre crazy. this rules and no lame cgi either.

Dark Helmet
30th December 06, 12:27 PM
Jeez, that would explain the Captain America movie that came out around the same time.
Are you sure about that?Because I seem to remember Entertainment Tonight interviewing the guy who played Captain America and they wer billing him as the next big star.

I also seem to remember them mentioning that Captain America The movie was to become a weekly sundicated TV show.That was until it was panned by critics.

30th December 06, 03:25 PM
... Apparently, there was more than one..... and Christopher Lee was in it...


Dark Helmet
31st December 06, 01:14 AM
That could actully be the 1979 attempt for a TV show.

31st December 06, 08:05 PM
That could actully be the 1979 attempt for a TV show.
Captain America...FUCK YEAH!

Sun Wukong
1st January 07, 07:35 AM
such a waste.