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joen00b
19th September 03, 11:44 PM
OK, so, like rent this movie... nevermind, con a friend into renting it so you don't spend money on it. This movie is bad.

It is carried by the chick you see in the commercials, she walks around in black leather and looks good doing it... aside from that, there's not much there. To give you an understanding, Vampires are wusses and most the movie the Vampires and Werewolves just hiss and growl at each before unloading more ammunition on each other than was used in the entire Korean Conflict rarely hitting each other unless they are within arms reach of each other.

I mean, I could kick the shit out of a Vampire ANY day of the week, these Vampires are weaker than a Frenchman in Wartime. They sit around looking good in stitched lace and that's about it. The chick (Selene) can't drive for shit either! She keeps the car at high RPM's sliding all over the road doing about 20 MPH in very little control over the vehicle. Also, they use European style license plates but all the steering wheels are on the left hand side of the car... boggling. The Vampires live in a big gothic looking mansion with all sorts of technology protecting themselves, cameras and emelctronics and shit, and Selene can come and go as she pleases, even when they want her to stay put. Some shitty security system, that's for damned sure. In fact, anyone can come and go by the front gate as long as they use a window to enter and leave the mansion... um, wtf?

The guy who played Kraven cannot act. I mean it is painful to watch this guy try to portray emotions. Selene merely had to stand around looking good in the leather and say her lines, and she really wasn't bad at all, of course the outfit probably distracted me, but everytime Kraven appeared on the scene it was bad! Most the vampires just sat around trying to look good in Goth clothing, that's literally all they did, then a few had speaking parts that took English accents from all over the Isles of Wight, but I guess it kind of fits... whatever, it was bad.

Neither Werewolves nor Vampires have any kind of heightened senses you'd expect, and aside from being good looking and immortal, they don't have any special abilities at all. These 'immortals' have been alive for hundreds of years, some over a thousand, and the most amazing feat they can do is drop from great heights and not get injured. They don't jump super far, or have super speed, or are really strong, as one might expect, they're just normal folks that can't be in the sunlight.

The plot is pretty thin and within ten minutes of the movie if ya haven't figured out the basics of what is going on, who is the bad guy, and how the plot is going to twist, you must really enjoy sniffing paint. It's that obvious. Of course the big plot twist is just as forseeable by the middle of the movie and you know what's going to happen, but at that point you're just praying it has good special effects when it happens. All ya really want is to see the pretty people get into good light because the entire movie takes place at night, even though a day passes without really happening... I didn't get that part. By about an hour into the movie, most everyone in the theater is nearly openly begging the plot to just finish so they can hit the bathroom because of the 2 gallon soda they bought 2 hours ago because it was only a quarter more.

On to the physics. OY VEY! So, like, the Werewolves have 'sunlight' bullets, and without explaining it, one Vampire immediately deduces they harnessed UV light into bullets. Ok, glow stick bullets, yeah, right, whatever. The bullets literally glow blue. Now, most bullets are about 3/4 to 7/9 cartridge with the last part being the projectile. Not Werewolf and Vampire bullets, oh no! These things are almost all glass casing surrounded in vented metal shells with about a quarter of an inch used for propellant. Sure, most people who don't normally handle firearms would notice this, but as the casing leave the chamber of the gun, they're normal casings, i.e. brass shells instead of the tiny chrome vented casings. Additionally, glass would not survive the violent propellent and the 'silver nitrate' (which is NOT a liquid by the way) would spray out as a mist and not a solid object that penetrates the skin. Additionally, the bullets of Silver Nitrate look to have MAYBE an ounce or two of the liquid silver in them, but when they hit the Werewolf, more than that amount oozes out a wound on the opposite side of the body that they were shot.

Now, excuse me, but IF the glass bullet was to exit the chamber intact and penetrate and act like a normal bullet upon impact, it would not come out the other side, and IF it did come out the other side, it most definitely wouldn't ooze out like silver syrup, and there would NOT be more than was initially in the bullet. And while we're on the subject of weapons, if *I* were a Werewolf (there is no way in hell I would be a wussy Vampire in that reality, gawd they suck! And I don't mean blood), I would be armed with a super soaker full of Holy Water and them fucking Vampires would be running scared everytime they saw my neon colored, air pressurized squirt gun. I would be a legend among their circles... OMG! It's the n00b... AND HE HAS HIS SQUIRT GUN!!!! The Frog Brothers would have kicked the shit out of the entire collective covens in two nights!

I must say, also, being an immortal means you have a bad aim. I know I mentioned it before, but HOLY SHIT! These people SUCK at firing guns. Supposedly they are death dealers, or whatever they called themselves, and have apparently been killing Werewolves and vice versa for hundreds of years, but they can't hit a fucking thing!! Ya'd think one of them would be a member of the NRA with all the weapons they use (all of which were H&K) and learned more than how to reload menacingly. But, I guess if you miss that often, chances are you get really good at reloading, and striking cool poses out of boredom after you've mastered it.

I don't know, this movie was weak on all parts. The cast was chosen for it's look with elongated canines instead of their acting abilities, the plot was weak, the story, though it had a cool twist near the end, was thin... it honestly seems like it was written by a mature 15 year old who liked Werewolves more than Vampires. The Werewolves have a cool hybrid form they can change into in about 10 seconds (and the Vampires always wait for them to change while striking cool poses, one after another) then they just tear the Vampires apart... but you never get to see it. Most the scenes where a Hybrid Werewolf attacks a Vampire just shows them change, then growl, then the Vampire hisses, then the Werewolf growls and flexes, and the Vampire hisses, then the Werewolf jumps onto a wall to walk towards him defying gravity and growls, then the Vampire hisses and shoots 423,598,182 bullets from one clip, then as he changes the clip, the Werewolf growls one more time before jumping at him then the scene changes and we assume the Vampire is now Werewolf poop. Every fight scene was growl, hiss, growl, hiss, shoot, jump, change scenes. I think there is one or two that isn't, but those have more growls and hisses then one or two impacting attacks then switch scenes.

I won't ruin the final battle for you except to say: You'd think after thousands of years SOMEONE woulda wanted to take up a martial art of some kind instead of sitting around looking pretty.

Xesor
19th September 03, 11:50 PM
As long as I can stare at something for 1 1/2 hours with no commercials, i'm good.

Ouden
19th September 03, 11:58 PM
Underworld?

Derreck
20th September 03, 12:21 AM
Underworld?

Underworld was a fun popcorn flick. Sounds like this "Underground" movie sucked ass though. How come I've never heard of it?

joen00b
20th September 03, 12:23 AM
Yeah, Underworld, that's what it was called... very unmemorable.

chunk town hoya
20th September 03, 12:27 AM
haha I just got back from seeing this steaming hunk of shit. I feel asleep 3 times and would have stayed asleep had it not been for the obnoxiously loud scare music and gunshots.

Joe, I didn't read your post but for fuck's sake it wasn't even worth writing as much as you did on it.


On the plus side, Count Chocula cereal remains delicious despite the poor quality of this film.

http://www.toysrgus.com/images-food/countchocula-sticker.jpg

joen00b
20th September 03, 12:29 AM
And it still sucked! They could have done so much more, they could have written it so much better, they could have made the characters so much cooler... shoulda, woulda, coulda, it's a bad movie.

Unless your an emotionally repressed 16 year old confused about your sexuality and want to get back at your parents for buying you an Acura instead of a Beamer so you dress up in Goodwill reject clothing and muse deep thoughts about death and listen to Tea Garden.

joen00b
20th September 03, 12:30 AM
I hear ya, Chunk, what the fuck was up with all the stupid white noise/techno bullshit they were playing everytime she carrened her car in the red at 20 MPH through the streets of a_goth_looking_european_town_017?

Ouden
20th September 03, 12:35 AM
I'm seeing it next week sometime, just cause.

joen00b
20th September 03, 12:36 AM
I gotta see Ouden's review, he's a funny mother fucker!

orcmauler
20th September 03, 02:06 AM
haha I just got back from seeing this steaming hunk of shit. I feel asleep 3 times and would have stayed asleep had it not been for the obnoxiously loud scare music and gunshots.

Joe, I didn't read your post but for fuck's sake it wasn't even worth writing as much as you did on it.


On the plus side, Count Chocula cereal remains delicious despite the poor quality of this film.

http://www.toysrgus.com/images-food/countchocula-sticker.jpg
Fruity Yummy Mummy>>>>>>Count Chocula

And Goddamit I know I am not the only one to ever have it, did they only market it to North Carolina?

Halfrican
20th September 03, 02:07 AM
Fruity Pebbles are the best for that bland cerial flavored film they leave on the roof of your mouth

Ouden
20th September 03, 02:08 AM
Boo Berry > Count Chocula

orcmauler
20th September 03, 02:08 AM
Fruity Pebbles are the best for that bland cerial flavored film they leave on the roof of your mouth

I bet you like the way Captain Crunch scours off the soft palate too dont you?

Admit it!

Halfrican
20th September 03, 02:16 AM
You talking about when biting into cerial scrapes the flesh off of the area right above your teeth inside your mouth? That always happens to me with fruit loops!

Energiser
20th September 03, 02:22 AM
ok, that quibbling about the whole bullets thing is pretty anally retentive.

i'll probly see it, tastey leading ladies in leather works for me. i don't care if they can act, or the plat is stupid. i'm gonna see tomb raider : the cradle of life for the same reason.

Cybsled
20th September 03, 08:30 AM
The movie is the suck. The only cool part was the Resident Evil 2 teaser in front of it. And hairless werewolves = a tell tale sign of low budget, cause CG hair is hard to do n stuff ;(

There was so much potential in this movie, and instead they decide to make it just another gun fight flick.

orcmauler
20th September 03, 09:08 AM
The movie is the suck. The only cool part was the Resident Evil 2 teaser in front of it. And hairless werewolves = a tell tale sign of low budget, cause CG hair is hard to do n stuff ;(

There was so much potential in this movie, and instead they decide to make it just another gun fight flick.

oh oh resident evil 2 trailer? Tell me more

Cybsled
20th September 03, 11:45 AM
Teaser. They barely show anything ;P But if you're a fan of the games you'll appreciate the lil tidbits.

orcmauler
20th September 03, 11:49 AM
Teaser. They barely show anything ;P But if you're a fan of the games you'll appreciate the lil tidbits.

Actually I am not the biggest fan of the games, but for some reason I really dug the movie (i gots it on DVD).

I always liked Parasite Eve better :P

Merril
20th September 03, 12:02 PM
The Frog Brothers would have kicked the shit out of the entire collective covens in two nights!


No dissing the Frog Brothers. They were bad ass... for 12 year olds.

Tigerstorm Starweaver
20th September 03, 02:34 PM
The movie sucked, but Selene was hot. That is one good part.

But I agree with n00b and Cyb... terrible on all other accounts.

Resident Evil is going to suck too, I can see it now =(


~TS

Energiser
20th September 03, 11:29 PM
Battle Toads!

Xioxou
21st September 03, 01:06 AM
I'm going to have to go ahead and agree with the n00b.

1. Kraven was stolen from the set of a porno. There is only one type of actor who can deliver a line ment to be spoken in a normal tone that badly.

2. Underground tunnel, 8 feet tall, 4 feet wide, 15 feet long... no one can hit a GD thing. G.I. Joe the movie testing grounds.

3. The one vampire had super strength. I mean, he knocked the werewolf guys skull through the side of his head with one punch. The rest, however (including the "other" ancient vampire on the train), could barely stand a twisted ankle.

4. Silver nitrate? What are you going to do, take their picture?

5. "Ok, the team who's trained in protecting Vampires is about to go pick up the 2nd most important vampire in the world."

"No, I sent send my two weaslely lackys to do it."

"OK Boss! We're gonna go take a lunch break then."

6. "Ya'no, those Werewolves started all this."

"Really? Well, if you say so, its good enough for me!"

Gheyest movie of the year.

Tigerstorm Starweaver
21st September 03, 10:17 AM
I'm going to have to go ahead and agree with the n00b.

1. Kraven was stolen from the set of a porno. There is only one type of actor who can deliver a line ment to be spoken in a normal tone that badly.

2. Underground tunnel, 8 feet tall, 4 feet wide, 15 feet long... no one can hit a GD thing. G.I. Joe the movie testing grounds.

3. The one vampire had super strength. I mean, he knocked the werewolf guys skull through the side of his head with one punch. The rest, however (including the "other" ancient vampire on the train), could barely stand a twisted ankle.

4. Silver nitrate? What are you going to do, take their picture?

5. "Ok, the team who's trained in protecting Vampires is about to go pick up the 2nd most important vampire in the world."

"No, I sent send my two weaslely lackys to do it."

"OK Boss! We're gonna go take a lunch break then."

6. "Ya'no, those Werewolves started all this."

"Really? Well, if you say so, its good enough for me!"

Gheyest movie of the year.

You ruined the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it =/

Those are the highlights.


~TS

Xioxou
21st September 03, 03:11 PM
Bah, the last two you can see comming a mile away. The rest had already been mentioned. I didn't give anything away.

Kiko
21st September 03, 10:51 PM
Look what I found.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/Movies/09/21/box.office.reut/index.html

Not gonna cut and paste. Click it..

oh.. oke.. some..
Vampires, werewolves thrill at box office
Sunday, September 21, 2003 Posted: 4:14 PM EDT (2014 GMT)
Kate Beckinsale stars as Selene in the thriller "Underworld."

BOX OFFICE TOP 10
Following are the top 10 movies at the North American box office for the September 19-21 weekend, according to studio estimates collected Sunday by Reuters. Final data will be issued Monday.

1. 'Underworld,' $22.0 million
2. 'The Fighting Temptations,' $13.2 million
3. 'Secondhand Lions,' $12.9 million
4. 'Once Upon a Time in Mexico,' $ 11.5 million
5. 'Cold Creek Manor,' $ 8.3 million
6. 'Matchstick Men,' $ 7.8 million
7. 'Cabin Fever,' $ 3.9 million
8. 'Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star' $ 3.8 million
9. 'Pirates of the Caribbean,' $ 3.5 million
10. 'Lost in Translation,' $ 2.8 million

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Horror is huge at the North American box office.

For the fourth weekend in a little over a month, the top draw was a blood-soaked yarn, this time the low-budget thriller "Underworld," which pits vampires against werewolves. Etc, blah blah.. NOW click for the rest..

Cybsled
22nd September 03, 11:01 AM
http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/residentevilapocalypse/

He's the RE2 teaser. I like how they set it up so only fanboys will get it until the end ;P

Tigerstorm Starweaver
22nd September 03, 03:37 PM
http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/residentevilapocalypse/

He's the RE2 teaser. I like how they set it up so only fanboys will get it until the end ;P

I'm not a fanboy and I managed to guess after it started in the theater =/


~TS

Saoshen Sih`ja`Tgzu
22nd September 03, 03:58 PM
Anything with Milla Jovovich can't possibly suck.

Tigerstorm Starweaver
22nd September 03, 04:04 PM
Anything with Milla Jovovich can't possibly suck.

Except perhaps this (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102782/)